Because of Independence Day, this work week was only 4 days. And Tuesday brought a super light workload because of how few kids there were. However, for some reason, I was exhausted by the end of the week. It felt as though it was longer than a regular work week.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
