So the past few days, I've noticed that I've been feeling blah, tormented, grumpy, and a ton of other emotions. It's been crazy and it was a huge interference with my life.
Blah
I haven't had much passion for a lot of stuff lately. I've just been going through life and I've been apathetic towards school, homework, and going to work. I've just been attributing it to the end of the semester, but I think I've realized that there is something more here.
Tormented
I've been plagued with all kinds of negative thoughts. What if you didn't study enough for your test. What if you're leading that girl on by trying to have a friendly conversation. What if you're going to be single forever. What if you're not meant to go to the Middle East like you thought and you're wasting time. What if you're pursuing the wrong things right now. What if all that you believe is a lie. What if.... What if.... What if....
Some of these things just plain aren't true and I know what's been revealed to me. Other things aren't nearly as big of a deal as they're being inflated to in my mind. However, there is an underlying cause for all of these problems.
Grumpy
I work in a daycare. I need to be in a good mood. I can't be lashing out at kids for all of a 4 hour shift. I need to be patient and kind. But, I've found myself getting short with kids who haven't quite gotten the movement patterns down for chess yet. I've been raising my voice louder than I should be when I need to talk to children about their behavior. I've been way too unpleasant in general at work.
Tonight, I realized the reason for everything that I just talked about.
I haven't been devoting enough time to my relationship with God. Lately, I've been viewing God as an intangible force to pray to, not as a Father and Friend to have a relationship with, to get to know. I've been blah because I have no passion because I've let the thing that gives me passion fizzle. I've been grumpy because I haven't been going to anybody with my burdens and they've weighed down on me. Mostly I've been tormented because I've been trying to do this on my own while trying to disguise going my own path as walking with God. I've been focusing on the wrong things and this has weighed down on me as all of these thoughts, which are correct thoughts without Christ consuming my life. I won't be successful without Christ. I will lead others and myself down bad roads without Christ. I won't go anywhere God is calling me to go unless I focus on Him. I am pursing the wrong things because I'm not pursuing God. What I have been believing is a lie because I've been believing that I can make it on my own.
No more.
I need to rekindle the fire.
I need to reform that relationship.
I need to fall in love.
