So the past few days, I've noticed that I've been feeling blah, tormented, grumpy, and a ton of other emotions. It's been crazy and it was a huge interference with my life.
Blah
I haven't had much passion for a lot of stuff lately. I've just been going through life and I've been apathetic towards school, homework, and going to work. I've just been attributing it to the end of the semester, but I think I've realized that there is something more here.
Tormented
I've been plagued with all kinds of negative thoughts. What if you didn't study enough for your test. What if you're leading that girl on by trying to have a friendly conversation. What if you're going to be single forever. What if you're not meant to go to the Middle East like you thought and you're wasting time. What if you're pursuing the wrong things right now. What if all that you believe is a lie. What if.... What if.... What if....
Some of these things just plain aren't true and I know what's been revealed to me. Other things aren't nearly as big of a deal as they're being inflated to in my mind. However, there is an underlying cause for all of these problems.
Grumpy
I work in a daycare. I need to be in a good mood. I can't be lashing out at kids for all of a 4 hour shift. I need to be patient and kind. But, I've found myself getting short with kids who haven't quite gotten the movement patterns down for chess yet. I've been raising my voice louder than I should be when I need to talk to children about their behavior. I've been way too unpleasant in general at work.
Tonight, I realized the reason for everything that I just talked about.
I haven't been devoting enough time to my relationship with God. Lately, I've been viewing God as an intangible force to pray to, not as a Father and Friend to have a relationship with, to get to know. I've been blah because I have no passion because I've let the thing that gives me passion fizzle. I've been grumpy because I haven't been going to anybody with my burdens and they've weighed down on me. Mostly I've been tormented because I've been trying to do this on my own while trying to disguise going my own path as walking with God. I've been focusing on the wrong things and this has weighed down on me as all of these thoughts, which are correct thoughts without Christ consuming my life. I won't be successful without Christ. I will lead others and myself down bad roads without Christ. I won't go anywhere God is calling me to go unless I focus on Him. I am pursing the wrong things because I'm not pursuing God. What I have been believing is a lie because I've been believing that I can make it on my own.
No more.
I need to rekindle the fire.
I need to reform that relationship.
I need to fall in love.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
My View on One Sin of MANY
Disclaimer: I feel the need to put this in here because of how controversial this topic is. I do not hate people who perform homosexual acts, neither does God as some groups have claimed. I hate sins not sinners. The sins that are performed by one person are no worse than the sins performed by every other person on this planet, myself included. While your sins are no worse than mine, I believe that we should both be repenting (turning away from) of our sins and dying to sin every day so that we can have a fuller life in Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry if this post sounds hateful towards any group of people. I didn't intend for it to sound that way, and I do not hate anybody.
First off, I do not hate people who identify themselves as homosexuals or bisexuals. Quite the opposite. I have several friends and acquaintances who are attracted to the same sex. I do not approve of their homosexual acts, just as I don't approve of the behavior of my friends who lust after others of the opposite sex whom they are not married to, the behavior of my friends who steal, or the behavior of my friends who lie. And I am not being self-righteous here, for I am guilty of all of these things too. All of these are sins and they are all deserving of the same punishment.
There seems to be a lot of disagreement on this topic, as I have noticed while looking at discussions about it on the internet. Some people say that Christians believe that simply being attracted to someone of the same sex is a sin. This, of course, is ludicrous. You do not choose who you are attracted to, at least not completely. You can spend time with someone and develop deeper affections for that person, but there will still be certain characteristics that you will be more likely to respond to.
What I, and I believe most other Christians, believe (although it is often poorly communicated) on the subject is that acting on urges of lust for the same sex is a sin, much in the same way that it is not a sin for me to be attracted to a woman, but it is a sin for me to perform sex acts or even "check her out" unless we are married to each other.
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ~ Matthew 5:28
The reason that all homosexual acts are sins in this regard is because there is no God-approved same-sex marriage.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24
Now back to the concept of urges introduced earlier. If urges, or temptations, themselves are sins, then Jesus Himself sinned.
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ~ Matthew 4:1
Therefore temptation cannot be a sin because Jesus was tempted and He was the perfect sacrifice, never having committed any sin.
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21
The temptation to sin is not a sin itself.
Now, many people will say that some people are born gay. This is not true. Some people are born much more likely to be attracted to the same sex than others, but they are not born already attracted to the same sex. This has been confirmed by studies on twins, which show that the attraction is most likely mostly genetic, but there is some amount of nurture involved in the decision. In the same way that someone is born more likely to be an alcoholic is not guaranteed to be an alcoholic (I am an example of this) or someone that is born more likely to develop schizophrenia is not guaranteed to develop schizophrenia, someone who is born more likely to develop an attraction to the same sex is not guaranteed to be attracted to the same sex.
I have also heard the argument that two people of the same sex can be in love, therefore it cannot be wrong. This itself is a ridiculous argument. If I, a 20-year-old man, were to be in love with a 10-year-old girl, who in turn loved me back, we would still say that this is wrong. Just because two people are in love, that does not mean that their love cannot still be wrong. (To make myself clear, I am not saying that a homosexual relationship is wrong in the same way as the relationship between a pedophile and a child. I am simply saying that the the argument that it is love, therefore it cannot be wrong is a ludicrous, invalid argument.)
Why would God create people who are more likely to struggle with this particular sin? For the same reason he created people who are more likely to struggle with any other particular sin: because we all have a unique role to play in God's Kingdom and we were all created uniquely to perform our individual roles. God also gave a choice, for there is no love without choice (Thus the old saying: "If you love something set it free. If it loves you, it'll come back."). God gave us the choice to follow Him or to ignore Him. If we choose not to follow Him and instead to follow our sins, then He gives us up to our sins. After all, that is what we want.
All of the people of the world have fallen short of God's glory, not just people who practice this one particular sin. And all people, including those who live in this one particular sin, can go back to God and have a relationship with Him thanks to the redemption that He gave us by dying on the cross for us. We all have a choice: an eternity with God or an eternity without Him. Take your pick.
I'm sorry if this post sounds hateful towards any group of people. I didn't intend for it to sound that way, and I do not hate anybody.
First off, I do not hate people who identify themselves as homosexuals or bisexuals. Quite the opposite. I have several friends and acquaintances who are attracted to the same sex. I do not approve of their homosexual acts, just as I don't approve of the behavior of my friends who lust after others of the opposite sex whom they are not married to, the behavior of my friends who steal, or the behavior of my friends who lie. And I am not being self-righteous here, for I am guilty of all of these things too. All of these are sins and they are all deserving of the same punishment.
There seems to be a lot of disagreement on this topic, as I have noticed while looking at discussions about it on the internet. Some people say that Christians believe that simply being attracted to someone of the same sex is a sin. This, of course, is ludicrous. You do not choose who you are attracted to, at least not completely. You can spend time with someone and develop deeper affections for that person, but there will still be certain characteristics that you will be more likely to respond to.
What I, and I believe most other Christians, believe (although it is often poorly communicated) on the subject is that acting on urges of lust for the same sex is a sin, much in the same way that it is not a sin for me to be attracted to a woman, but it is a sin for me to perform sex acts or even "check her out" unless we are married to each other.
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ~ Matthew 5:28
The reason that all homosexual acts are sins in this regard is because there is no God-approved same-sex marriage.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24
Now back to the concept of urges introduced earlier. If urges, or temptations, themselves are sins, then Jesus Himself sinned.
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ~ Matthew 4:1
Therefore temptation cannot be a sin because Jesus was tempted and He was the perfect sacrifice, never having committed any sin.
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21
The temptation to sin is not a sin itself.
Now, many people will say that some people are born gay. This is not true. Some people are born much more likely to be attracted to the same sex than others, but they are not born already attracted to the same sex. This has been confirmed by studies on twins, which show that the attraction is most likely mostly genetic, but there is some amount of nurture involved in the decision. In the same way that someone is born more likely to be an alcoholic is not guaranteed to be an alcoholic (I am an example of this) or someone that is born more likely to develop schizophrenia is not guaranteed to develop schizophrenia, someone who is born more likely to develop an attraction to the same sex is not guaranteed to be attracted to the same sex.
I have also heard the argument that two people of the same sex can be in love, therefore it cannot be wrong. This itself is a ridiculous argument. If I, a 20-year-old man, were to be in love with a 10-year-old girl, who in turn loved me back, we would still say that this is wrong. Just because two people are in love, that does not mean that their love cannot still be wrong. (To make myself clear, I am not saying that a homosexual relationship is wrong in the same way as the relationship between a pedophile and a child. I am simply saying that the the argument that it is love, therefore it cannot be wrong is a ludicrous, invalid argument.)
Why would God create people who are more likely to struggle with this particular sin? For the same reason he created people who are more likely to struggle with any other particular sin: because we all have a unique role to play in God's Kingdom and we were all created uniquely to perform our individual roles. God also gave a choice, for there is no love without choice (Thus the old saying: "If you love something set it free. If it loves you, it'll come back."). God gave us the choice to follow Him or to ignore Him. If we choose not to follow Him and instead to follow our sins, then He gives us up to our sins. After all, that is what we want.
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.
For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.
And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them. ~ Romans 1:24-31
God gave people up to the individual sins that that they wanted. Their hearts were turned towards these sins, so some he gave up to lying, some to murdering, some to heterosexual lust, some to homosexual lust, some to stealing, some to greed, some to laziness, and others to other sins, of which there are too many for me to mention here.All of the people of the world have fallen short of God's glory, not just people who practice this one particular sin. And all people, including those who live in this one particular sin, can go back to God and have a relationship with Him thanks to the redemption that He gave us by dying on the cross for us. We all have a choice: an eternity with God or an eternity without Him. Take your pick.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
So I woke up in a less-than-good mood. I woke up with my heart feeling heavy, so I kept praying that it would go away, that God would relieve my feelings. After work, I was biking home and I felt AMAZING!!! So, I just figured I'd tell you all that and share these songs that kept popping into my head.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Break Me Down
Because of Independence Day, this work week was only 4 days. And Tuesday brought a super light workload because of how few kids there were. However, for some reason, I was exhausted by the end of the week. It felt as though it was longer than a regular work week.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Blessings
So I woke up really happy today, and I didn't know why. As I thought about it, I realized all of the blessings that I've been bestowed lately. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my Little Brother before he moves. I've gotten a full-time job at the YMCA working in the school-age program and I start Friday and I was perfectly content with just a subbing position. My cousin had her son today. I've gotten to know my friends that are still around for the summer even better than I already did. Things have been just amazing in my life.
And now I found out why. I've been given so much to be thankful for and been given this outlook that I woke up with because God loves me and He wants me to share that love with a friend who really needs it right now. I don't know what she is going through, but she is going through something bad and needs someone right now. So, as of this post, I am going to comfort her and I am going to be a conduit for God's Power to comfort her more than I ever could. Please pray that she will make it through this with a heart turned toward Jesus.
And now I found out why. I've been given so much to be thankful for and been given this outlook that I woke up with because God loves me and He wants me to share that love with a friend who really needs it right now. I don't know what she is going through, but she is going through something bad and needs someone right now. So, as of this post, I am going to comfort her and I am going to be a conduit for God's Power to comfort her more than I ever could. Please pray that she will make it through this with a heart turned toward Jesus.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Do I truly love God?
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Week Without Shoes
We all take things for granted. Our clothes, our house, our water, our electricity, our freedom to say what we want, our freedom to believe what we want, our shoes.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
My feet after a week of going barefoot. They are raw, blistered, calloused, in pain, and thankful that I have shoes and will be wearing them again.
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
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