Do I truly love God?
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Week Without Shoes
We all take things for granted. Our clothes, our house, our water, our electricity, our freedom to say what we want, our freedom to believe what we want, our shoes.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
My feet after a week of going barefoot. They are raw, blistered, calloused, in pain, and thankful that I have shoes and will be wearing them again.
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
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