Do I truly love God?
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
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ReplyDeleteThis humble prayer is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you.
Keep fighting to spend time with Him. Especially when it's hardest.
God is REALLY working in you A LOT. It is amazing to me all the change He's brought to your life and what He's done inside you in just over a year!!! And I have no doubt He is going to keep bringing you through everything, helping you mature into who He wants you to be in His perfect timing. You can't do it on your own. We can't do anything good on our own... But through His strength we can do all things.
Thank you for posting this!!!
Thank you for your honesty.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9