So I woke up in a less-than-good mood. I woke up with my heart feeling heavy, so I kept praying that it would go away, that God would relieve my feelings. After work, I was biking home and I felt AMAZING!!! So, I just figured I'd tell you all that and share these songs that kept popping into my head.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Break Me Down
Because of Independence Day, this work week was only 4 days. And Tuesday brought a super light workload because of how few kids there were. However, for some reason, I was exhausted by the end of the week. It felt as though it was longer than a regular work week.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Blessings
So I woke up really happy today, and I didn't know why. As I thought about it, I realized all of the blessings that I've been bestowed lately. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my Little Brother before he moves. I've gotten a full-time job at the YMCA working in the school-age program and I start Friday and I was perfectly content with just a subbing position. My cousin had her son today. I've gotten to know my friends that are still around for the summer even better than I already did. Things have been just amazing in my life.
And now I found out why. I've been given so much to be thankful for and been given this outlook that I woke up with because God loves me and He wants me to share that love with a friend who really needs it right now. I don't know what she is going through, but she is going through something bad and needs someone right now. So, as of this post, I am going to comfort her and I am going to be a conduit for God's Power to comfort her more than I ever could. Please pray that she will make it through this with a heart turned toward Jesus.
And now I found out why. I've been given so much to be thankful for and been given this outlook that I woke up with because God loves me and He wants me to share that love with a friend who really needs it right now. I don't know what she is going through, but she is going through something bad and needs someone right now. So, as of this post, I am going to comfort her and I am going to be a conduit for God's Power to comfort her more than I ever could. Please pray that she will make it through this with a heart turned toward Jesus.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Do I truly love God?
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Week Without Shoes
We all take things for granted. Our clothes, our house, our water, our electricity, our freedom to say what we want, our freedom to believe what we want, our shoes.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
My feet after a week of going barefoot. They are raw, blistered, calloused, in pain, and thankful that I have shoes and will be wearing them again.
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
As I was going out to my sister's in Bismarck yesterday, I had the urge to go someplace that didn't have the visible signs of civilization. I want to visit nature as God created it. No houses, no apartment buildings, no store, no factories, no farms. Not even a road. I just want to see actual nature. The closest that I've ever been is a campground, but even campgrounds have man-made trails, litter, and some development. I just want someplace where I can forget that there is anybody in the world except me and God.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Why I Turn to God
A Band-Aid is supposed to cover a wound while it heals. It's supposed to protect. I have several Band-Aids in my life, most of them are not helpful at all.
Food
Lust
Alcohol
Video games
JESUS
These are my Band-Aids. 4 of them are infecting and 1 is an antibiotic.
All my life I've turned to food. It has always been a comfort and still is. I would eat and eat and feel better for a while, but then the pain would seep back in. All it did was cover the wound, and not for long. This germ-filled Band-Aid gave me comfort momentarily and then I felt worse than before. Now I feel full and bloated from the food.
I've struggled with lust for years. What person in America hasn't? I've turned to people in pain or for selfish reasons. I would spend time with women specifically for the physical comfort that they could bring. A hug, cuddling, or something further. It would feel very pleasant at the time, but by the end of the night, I'd realize that I had done something wrong. Even before Jesus saved me, I would have these feelings. I would realize that I was turning to someone to satisfy my desires and that it was only harmful.
Alcohol would only make my other struggles worse. It would fill me with lust and make me hungry. And it was considered socially acceptable to act on these desires while drunk. Seeing people drink brings back these memories and the memories of growing up with alcoholic parents.
Video games are a huge time waster for me. I can still spend hours playing video games alone, doing nothing constructive. After I'm done playing, I just feel empty and miserable inside.
The only thing that I've ever found to fill me up for any length of time longer than just over the duration of the event is Godly time. Either spending time alone with Him or talking with people about Him, they both fill me up for extended periods of time. He is all I need and I look forward with much anticipation to the day that I get to spend eternity at the banquet at His Father's house. There will be no more pain and no more lusting after earthly desires. Nothing but eternal heavenly bliss. And it can be your fate also if you just accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ~ Romans 10:9
Until next time, God bless!
Food
Lust
Alcohol
Video games
JESUS
These are my Band-Aids. 4 of them are infecting and 1 is an antibiotic.
All my life I've turned to food. It has always been a comfort and still is. I would eat and eat and feel better for a while, but then the pain would seep back in. All it did was cover the wound, and not for long. This germ-filled Band-Aid gave me comfort momentarily and then I felt worse than before. Now I feel full and bloated from the food.
I've struggled with lust for years. What person in America hasn't? I've turned to people in pain or for selfish reasons. I would spend time with women specifically for the physical comfort that they could bring. A hug, cuddling, or something further. It would feel very pleasant at the time, but by the end of the night, I'd realize that I had done something wrong. Even before Jesus saved me, I would have these feelings. I would realize that I was turning to someone to satisfy my desires and that it was only harmful.
Alcohol would only make my other struggles worse. It would fill me with lust and make me hungry. And it was considered socially acceptable to act on these desires while drunk. Seeing people drink brings back these memories and the memories of growing up with alcoholic parents.
Video games are a huge time waster for me. I can still spend hours playing video games alone, doing nothing constructive. After I'm done playing, I just feel empty and miserable inside.
The only thing that I've ever found to fill me up for any length of time longer than just over the duration of the event is Godly time. Either spending time alone with Him or talking with people about Him, they both fill me up for extended periods of time. He is all I need and I look forward with much anticipation to the day that I get to spend eternity at the banquet at His Father's house. There will be no more pain and no more lusting after earthly desires. Nothing but eternal heavenly bliss. And it can be your fate also if you just accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ~ Romans 10:9
Until next time, God bless!
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