So the past few days, I've noticed that I've been feeling blah, tormented, grumpy, and a ton of other emotions. It's been crazy and it was a huge interference with my life.
Blah
I haven't had much passion for a lot of stuff lately. I've just been going through life and I've been apathetic towards school, homework, and going to work. I've just been attributing it to the end of the semester, but I think I've realized that there is something more here.
Tormented
I've been plagued with all kinds of negative thoughts. What if you didn't study enough for your test. What if you're leading that girl on by trying to have a friendly conversation. What if you're going to be single forever. What if you're not meant to go to the Middle East like you thought and you're wasting time. What if you're pursuing the wrong things right now. What if all that you believe is a lie. What if.... What if.... What if....
Some of these things just plain aren't true and I know what's been revealed to me. Other things aren't nearly as big of a deal as they're being inflated to in my mind. However, there is an underlying cause for all of these problems.
Grumpy
I work in a daycare. I need to be in a good mood. I can't be lashing out at kids for all of a 4 hour shift. I need to be patient and kind. But, I've found myself getting short with kids who haven't quite gotten the movement patterns down for chess yet. I've been raising my voice louder than I should be when I need to talk to children about their behavior. I've been way too unpleasant in general at work.
Tonight, I realized the reason for everything that I just talked about.
I haven't been devoting enough time to my relationship with God. Lately, I've been viewing God as an intangible force to pray to, not as a Father and Friend to have a relationship with, to get to know. I've been blah because I have no passion because I've let the thing that gives me passion fizzle. I've been grumpy because I haven't been going to anybody with my burdens and they've weighed down on me. Mostly I've been tormented because I've been trying to do this on my own while trying to disguise going my own path as walking with God. I've been focusing on the wrong things and this has weighed down on me as all of these thoughts, which are correct thoughts without Christ consuming my life. I won't be successful without Christ. I will lead others and myself down bad roads without Christ. I won't go anywhere God is calling me to go unless I focus on Him. I am pursing the wrong things because I'm not pursuing God. What I have been believing is a lie because I've been believing that I can make it on my own.
No more.
I need to rekindle the fire.
I need to reform that relationship.
I need to fall in love.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
My View on One Sin of MANY
Disclaimer: I feel the need to put this in here because of how controversial this topic is. I do not hate people who perform homosexual acts, neither does God as some groups have claimed. I hate sins not sinners. The sins that are performed by one person are no worse than the sins performed by every other person on this planet, myself included. While your sins are no worse than mine, I believe that we should both be repenting (turning away from) of our sins and dying to sin every day so that we can have a fuller life in Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry if this post sounds hateful towards any group of people. I didn't intend for it to sound that way, and I do not hate anybody.
First off, I do not hate people who identify themselves as homosexuals or bisexuals. Quite the opposite. I have several friends and acquaintances who are attracted to the same sex. I do not approve of their homosexual acts, just as I don't approve of the behavior of my friends who lust after others of the opposite sex whom they are not married to, the behavior of my friends who steal, or the behavior of my friends who lie. And I am not being self-righteous here, for I am guilty of all of these things too. All of these are sins and they are all deserving of the same punishment.
There seems to be a lot of disagreement on this topic, as I have noticed while looking at discussions about it on the internet. Some people say that Christians believe that simply being attracted to someone of the same sex is a sin. This, of course, is ludicrous. You do not choose who you are attracted to, at least not completely. You can spend time with someone and develop deeper affections for that person, but there will still be certain characteristics that you will be more likely to respond to.
What I, and I believe most other Christians, believe (although it is often poorly communicated) on the subject is that acting on urges of lust for the same sex is a sin, much in the same way that it is not a sin for me to be attracted to a woman, but it is a sin for me to perform sex acts or even "check her out" unless we are married to each other.
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ~ Matthew 5:28
The reason that all homosexual acts are sins in this regard is because there is no God-approved same-sex marriage.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24
Now back to the concept of urges introduced earlier. If urges, or temptations, themselves are sins, then Jesus Himself sinned.
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ~ Matthew 4:1
Therefore temptation cannot be a sin because Jesus was tempted and He was the perfect sacrifice, never having committed any sin.
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21
The temptation to sin is not a sin itself.
Now, many people will say that some people are born gay. This is not true. Some people are born much more likely to be attracted to the same sex than others, but they are not born already attracted to the same sex. This has been confirmed by studies on twins, which show that the attraction is most likely mostly genetic, but there is some amount of nurture involved in the decision. In the same way that someone is born more likely to be an alcoholic is not guaranteed to be an alcoholic (I am an example of this) or someone that is born more likely to develop schizophrenia is not guaranteed to develop schizophrenia, someone who is born more likely to develop an attraction to the same sex is not guaranteed to be attracted to the same sex.
I have also heard the argument that two people of the same sex can be in love, therefore it cannot be wrong. This itself is a ridiculous argument. If I, a 20-year-old man, were to be in love with a 10-year-old girl, who in turn loved me back, we would still say that this is wrong. Just because two people are in love, that does not mean that their love cannot still be wrong. (To make myself clear, I am not saying that a homosexual relationship is wrong in the same way as the relationship between a pedophile and a child. I am simply saying that the the argument that it is love, therefore it cannot be wrong is a ludicrous, invalid argument.)
Why would God create people who are more likely to struggle with this particular sin? For the same reason he created people who are more likely to struggle with any other particular sin: because we all have a unique role to play in God's Kingdom and we were all created uniquely to perform our individual roles. God also gave a choice, for there is no love without choice (Thus the old saying: "If you love something set it free. If it loves you, it'll come back."). God gave us the choice to follow Him or to ignore Him. If we choose not to follow Him and instead to follow our sins, then He gives us up to our sins. After all, that is what we want.
All of the people of the world have fallen short of God's glory, not just people who practice this one particular sin. And all people, including those who live in this one particular sin, can go back to God and have a relationship with Him thanks to the redemption that He gave us by dying on the cross for us. We all have a choice: an eternity with God or an eternity without Him. Take your pick.
I'm sorry if this post sounds hateful towards any group of people. I didn't intend for it to sound that way, and I do not hate anybody.
First off, I do not hate people who identify themselves as homosexuals or bisexuals. Quite the opposite. I have several friends and acquaintances who are attracted to the same sex. I do not approve of their homosexual acts, just as I don't approve of the behavior of my friends who lust after others of the opposite sex whom they are not married to, the behavior of my friends who steal, or the behavior of my friends who lie. And I am not being self-righteous here, for I am guilty of all of these things too. All of these are sins and they are all deserving of the same punishment.
There seems to be a lot of disagreement on this topic, as I have noticed while looking at discussions about it on the internet. Some people say that Christians believe that simply being attracted to someone of the same sex is a sin. This, of course, is ludicrous. You do not choose who you are attracted to, at least not completely. You can spend time with someone and develop deeper affections for that person, but there will still be certain characteristics that you will be more likely to respond to.
What I, and I believe most other Christians, believe (although it is often poorly communicated) on the subject is that acting on urges of lust for the same sex is a sin, much in the same way that it is not a sin for me to be attracted to a woman, but it is a sin for me to perform sex acts or even "check her out" unless we are married to each other.
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ~ Matthew 5:28
The reason that all homosexual acts are sins in this regard is because there is no God-approved same-sex marriage.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24
Now back to the concept of urges introduced earlier. If urges, or temptations, themselves are sins, then Jesus Himself sinned.
Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. ~ Matthew 4:1
Therefore temptation cannot be a sin because Jesus was tempted and He was the perfect sacrifice, never having committed any sin.
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:21
The temptation to sin is not a sin itself.
Now, many people will say that some people are born gay. This is not true. Some people are born much more likely to be attracted to the same sex than others, but they are not born already attracted to the same sex. This has been confirmed by studies on twins, which show that the attraction is most likely mostly genetic, but there is some amount of nurture involved in the decision. In the same way that someone is born more likely to be an alcoholic is not guaranteed to be an alcoholic (I am an example of this) or someone that is born more likely to develop schizophrenia is not guaranteed to develop schizophrenia, someone who is born more likely to develop an attraction to the same sex is not guaranteed to be attracted to the same sex.
I have also heard the argument that two people of the same sex can be in love, therefore it cannot be wrong. This itself is a ridiculous argument. If I, a 20-year-old man, were to be in love with a 10-year-old girl, who in turn loved me back, we would still say that this is wrong. Just because two people are in love, that does not mean that their love cannot still be wrong. (To make myself clear, I am not saying that a homosexual relationship is wrong in the same way as the relationship between a pedophile and a child. I am simply saying that the the argument that it is love, therefore it cannot be wrong is a ludicrous, invalid argument.)
Why would God create people who are more likely to struggle with this particular sin? For the same reason he created people who are more likely to struggle with any other particular sin: because we all have a unique role to play in God's Kingdom and we were all created uniquely to perform our individual roles. God also gave a choice, for there is no love without choice (Thus the old saying: "If you love something set it free. If it loves you, it'll come back."). God gave us the choice to follow Him or to ignore Him. If we choose not to follow Him and instead to follow our sins, then He gives us up to our sins. After all, that is what we want.
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.
For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.
And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them. ~ Romans 1:24-31
God gave people up to the individual sins that that they wanted. Their hearts were turned towards these sins, so some he gave up to lying, some to murdering, some to heterosexual lust, some to homosexual lust, some to stealing, some to greed, some to laziness, and others to other sins, of which there are too many for me to mention here.All of the people of the world have fallen short of God's glory, not just people who practice this one particular sin. And all people, including those who live in this one particular sin, can go back to God and have a relationship with Him thanks to the redemption that He gave us by dying on the cross for us. We all have a choice: an eternity with God or an eternity without Him. Take your pick.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
So I woke up in a less-than-good mood. I woke up with my heart feeling heavy, so I kept praying that it would go away, that God would relieve my feelings. After work, I was biking home and I felt AMAZING!!! So, I just figured I'd tell you all that and share these songs that kept popping into my head.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Break Me Down
Because of Independence Day, this work week was only 4 days. And Tuesday brought a super light workload because of how few kids there were. However, for some reason, I was exhausted by the end of the week. It felt as though it was longer than a regular work week.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
I slept as well as normal and I shouldn't have been exhausted from work, but I had to work up the will to get up when I got to the couch at home.
In addition to this, every night in bed, I was plagued with questions and worry about my spiritual life. The biggest question was one that had been on my mind and heart for quite a while: is the Bible 100% accurate and how can I trust it? As I was going to an all-night prayer meeting at church, I brought this question up to the friend that I was riding with. She tried to answer my questions, but I felt like my questions were just changing, not being answered. I felt that all that was being accomplished was me realizing that I was asking the wrong questions. I felt like this realization wasn't good enough and that I should have had better results from the conversation, even though I know that learning the right questions to ask is almost as important as receiving the answers.
I got super frustrated because I didn't have the answers that I wanted. At the prayer meeting, I could barely concentrate. I was to frustrated to think clearly. I broke down to the point of tears, begging for answers. During this breakdown, all kinds of thoughts broke in: thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of remaining single forever because I'd be a terrible person if I got married, thoughts of self-harm. I let the enemy pour these destructive thoughts into my head and I let myself believe them and contemplate acting on them.
There was one room where you could be prophesied over. I went in there for one of the sessions. While in there, everything made a lot more sense. I was told that God loves me a lot, that He was calling me His beloved son.
His beloved son. Like Jesus. Like David, who screwed up so much, yet he still came back to God and begged for forgiveness and received blessing after blessing and gift after gift because his Father loved him so much.
I was also told to remember that God follows through on His promises. If He revealed a path in life for me, then He'll follow through on that. I have worth because God loves me and has plans for me, plans to be a missionary to the Arab world. If He promised me that I'll get married, then He'll mold me into the husband that I have to be.
All of the doubt and fear that entered my mind was relieved.
I know why I got exhausted and broken down over the week. I needed to be broken down so that I could be changed, rebuilt into who I must be. I need to let go of my material life and lean on God, or else I'll never become who I must be. During this breaking down process, Satan crept in and tried to get a hold on me, but God freed me from that within a couple of hours.
I don't have every answer that I want. I doubt that I ever will, at least in this life. I don't need all of that though. I may still have questions, but I have God to lead me and answer them when He sees fit.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Blessings
So I woke up really happy today, and I didn't know why. As I thought about it, I realized all of the blessings that I've been bestowed lately. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my Little Brother before he moves. I've gotten a full-time job at the YMCA working in the school-age program and I start Friday and I was perfectly content with just a subbing position. My cousin had her son today. I've gotten to know my friends that are still around for the summer even better than I already did. Things have been just amazing in my life.
And now I found out why. I've been given so much to be thankful for and been given this outlook that I woke up with because God loves me and He wants me to share that love with a friend who really needs it right now. I don't know what she is going through, but she is going through something bad and needs someone right now. So, as of this post, I am going to comfort her and I am going to be a conduit for God's Power to comfort her more than I ever could. Please pray that she will make it through this with a heart turned toward Jesus.
And now I found out why. I've been given so much to be thankful for and been given this outlook that I woke up with because God loves me and He wants me to share that love with a friend who really needs it right now. I don't know what she is going through, but she is going through something bad and needs someone right now. So, as of this post, I am going to comfort her and I am going to be a conduit for God's Power to comfort her more than I ever could. Please pray that she will make it through this with a heart turned toward Jesus.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Do I truly love God?
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
If I love Him, wouldn't I spend time with Him? Not neglect Him?
I wouldn't neglect someone that I love. I'd spend time with him or her. So why don't I spend more time with God?
How can I be a witness about the transforming power of His Love if I don't show that I'm transformed?
I keep going back to the old me. The way I used to be.
Except it's the way I am if I'm constantly returning to it, isn't it?
I neglect God and stay caught up in sin. Pride. Sloth. Lust. Hate. Gluttony.
It slowly destroys me. Or quickly destroys me.
I left cleaning until the last minute and all of my frustrations threw up all over the place as I was straightening up. My anger towards my friends for always leaving stuff all over the house and never cleaning up after themselves. My anger towards my parents for everything that I still haven't let go of. My anger at my friends for not letting me get a point in in a discussion or interrupting me when I do or bashing my point without bothering to try to understand it. My lack of attempting to avoid sexually tempting situations. My lack of control about eating when not hungry.
I went for a run at 5 am. It started off as a cloudy morning. Lightning crackled as I left. By the end of it, I was drenched.
I needed to get rid of my frustrations.
God,
Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I try to do things on my own when I know I need Your help to do the tasks you have put before me?
Why can't I let go of the past?
I WANT YOU TO DESTROY ME!!!!!
I can't be the person You want me to be. I need Your Presence in order to be that man.
I'm a little boy who refuses to listen to his Father.
I can't be who I need to be the way I am now. I need You to destroy me for the sake of me.
For the sake of those who You want me to show love to. I can't radiate Your Agape without Your constant Presence.
I can't do it unless I'm simply a receiver. I need You to control all of my actions in order to be the man You have called me to be.
I need Your ever-present Spirit, always. I need You more than I could ever express. I need You so I can love You.
I'm hellbent on destruction and hellbent on hell. I want You to save me from my fate. I NEED YOU to save me from this fate.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Week Without Shoes
We all take things for granted. Our clothes, our house, our water, our electricity, our freedom to say what we want, our freedom to believe what we want, our shoes.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
My feet after a week of going barefoot. They are raw, blistered, calloused, in pain, and thankful that I have shoes and will be wearing them again.
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
A few months ago, God placed it on my heart to go without shoes for 1 week to see what it was like to not have shoes, just like most of the world, and to learn to appreciate what He has given me.
One week couldn't be that bad, could it?
I waited until the end of April because I didn't want to get frostbite on my feet. I still ended up walking in the snow. From a friend's dorm back to my house. I ran barefoot in the snow. I ran because my feet were getting numb and I wanted to get home where it was warm.
It was a challenge. I have blisters on the balls of both feet and some of my toes.
I sincerely hope that I, and whoever reads this, will not take for granted anything that I have: my many shirts (way more than I need), my several pairs of pants (a pair of pants with holes in it is still a good pair of pants, it does still provide the function that pants are intended for), the house I live in (there are many people, even in a relatively well-off community such as Fargo-Moorhead, who are homeless), my car (which is now broken down, but it was useful when it ran), my bike (which I just found on Monday for free on the boulevard. I was lucky to find one in one piece, let alone one that just needed a quick tune-up to be ridable. Lucky for me, there were free tune-ups on campus the next day), my shoes (I own 2 pairs that only have small holes in them, and a pair that has no holes. That's 3 more pairs than a huge percentage of the world's population), my friends (I am truly lucky to have gotten such great friends and I often take them for granted or treat them in terrible manners), my family (I may fight with them a lot, but I love them), my God (Whose grace I am far from deserving), and my God's forgiveness (which I should have worn out long ago, but, lucky for all of us, is unending).
So let us never forget how much we have and always appreciate the little things that make our life great.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
As I was going out to my sister's in Bismarck yesterday, I had the urge to go someplace that didn't have the visible signs of civilization. I want to visit nature as God created it. No houses, no apartment buildings, no store, no factories, no farms. Not even a road. I just want to see actual nature. The closest that I've ever been is a campground, but even campgrounds have man-made trails, litter, and some development. I just want someplace where I can forget that there is anybody in the world except me and God.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Why I Turn to God
A Band-Aid is supposed to cover a wound while it heals. It's supposed to protect. I have several Band-Aids in my life, most of them are not helpful at all.
Food
Lust
Alcohol
Video games
JESUS
These are my Band-Aids. 4 of them are infecting and 1 is an antibiotic.
All my life I've turned to food. It has always been a comfort and still is. I would eat and eat and feel better for a while, but then the pain would seep back in. All it did was cover the wound, and not for long. This germ-filled Band-Aid gave me comfort momentarily and then I felt worse than before. Now I feel full and bloated from the food.
I've struggled with lust for years. What person in America hasn't? I've turned to people in pain or for selfish reasons. I would spend time with women specifically for the physical comfort that they could bring. A hug, cuddling, or something further. It would feel very pleasant at the time, but by the end of the night, I'd realize that I had done something wrong. Even before Jesus saved me, I would have these feelings. I would realize that I was turning to someone to satisfy my desires and that it was only harmful.
Alcohol would only make my other struggles worse. It would fill me with lust and make me hungry. And it was considered socially acceptable to act on these desires while drunk. Seeing people drink brings back these memories and the memories of growing up with alcoholic parents.
Video games are a huge time waster for me. I can still spend hours playing video games alone, doing nothing constructive. After I'm done playing, I just feel empty and miserable inside.
The only thing that I've ever found to fill me up for any length of time longer than just over the duration of the event is Godly time. Either spending time alone with Him or talking with people about Him, they both fill me up for extended periods of time. He is all I need and I look forward with much anticipation to the day that I get to spend eternity at the banquet at His Father's house. There will be no more pain and no more lusting after earthly desires. Nothing but eternal heavenly bliss. And it can be your fate also if you just accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ~ Romans 10:9
Until next time, God bless!
Food
Lust
Alcohol
Video games
JESUS
These are my Band-Aids. 4 of them are infecting and 1 is an antibiotic.
All my life I've turned to food. It has always been a comfort and still is. I would eat and eat and feel better for a while, but then the pain would seep back in. All it did was cover the wound, and not for long. This germ-filled Band-Aid gave me comfort momentarily and then I felt worse than before. Now I feel full and bloated from the food.
I've struggled with lust for years. What person in America hasn't? I've turned to people in pain or for selfish reasons. I would spend time with women specifically for the physical comfort that they could bring. A hug, cuddling, or something further. It would feel very pleasant at the time, but by the end of the night, I'd realize that I had done something wrong. Even before Jesus saved me, I would have these feelings. I would realize that I was turning to someone to satisfy my desires and that it was only harmful.
Alcohol would only make my other struggles worse. It would fill me with lust and make me hungry. And it was considered socially acceptable to act on these desires while drunk. Seeing people drink brings back these memories and the memories of growing up with alcoholic parents.
Video games are a huge time waster for me. I can still spend hours playing video games alone, doing nothing constructive. After I'm done playing, I just feel empty and miserable inside.
The only thing that I've ever found to fill me up for any length of time longer than just over the duration of the event is Godly time. Either spending time alone with Him or talking with people about Him, they both fill me up for extended periods of time. He is all I need and I look forward with much anticipation to the day that I get to spend eternity at the banquet at His Father's house. There will be no more pain and no more lusting after earthly desires. Nothing but eternal heavenly bliss. And it can be your fate also if you just accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior.
because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ~ Romans 10:9
Until next time, God bless!
Friday, March 25, 2011
A Reminder of a Broken World
I cried Tuesday afternoon at work. I was sitting in the office that I work in on campus and I logged into Facebook. There were a lot of status updates saying that people were praying for my hometown of Perham and praying for my high school and that what happened was a tragedy. I had no idea what it was that happened, so I went on chat and asked a friend that I graduated with. She told me that on Monday night, a boy shot and killed his girlfriend and then turned the gun on himself. He was airlifted to Fargo for medical treatment. I thought that this story was terrible, and I was saddened by it, but the sadness wasn't anything compared to the grief that I felt a few seconds later.
My friend told me the names of the two teens involved. And then things got real after I realized that I knew them. Dylan Cox and Tabby Belmonte. Tabby had just given birth to their daughter 7 months beforehand.
I don't know if I ever spoke to Dylan during his life, (he died Tuesday in the hospital) but I had spoken to Tabby. She was a friend, not a good one, but still a friend. She always brightened my day. Even being pregnant at 15 didn't stop her from being happy. She became excited to be a mother. She was sunshine on a cloudy day.
This tragedy is a grim reminder of the broken world that we live in. A world that so desperately needs God's healing Love. A world that we, as disciples of Christ, should be reaching out to every opportunity we get. We don't know what will happen a minute from now, so we must seize the day and spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone. If we don't, then someone could miss out on an eternity of paradise, an eternity with God, with no pain.
My wish is that from the tragedy that befell the Perham area on Monday, we will all remember that life is a short, precious thing and we should take every moment that we get to radiate God's perfect, never-failing Love.
http://www.valleynewslive.com/Global/story.asp?S=14319088
yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ~ James 4:14
Could all of you reading please pray for the families and friends of Dylan and Tabby. Pray that they will find comfort in God and in each other and pray that God will make something good come out of this. And please pray that Dylan's and Tabby's daughter Emma will grow up into a beautiful woman of God, radiating His love to all despite the life that she now faces without parents.
Thank you and God bless you all!
My friend told me the names of the two teens involved. And then things got real after I realized that I knew them. Dylan Cox and Tabby Belmonte. Tabby had just given birth to their daughter 7 months beforehand.
I don't know if I ever spoke to Dylan during his life, (he died Tuesday in the hospital) but I had spoken to Tabby. She was a friend, not a good one, but still a friend. She always brightened my day. Even being pregnant at 15 didn't stop her from being happy. She became excited to be a mother. She was sunshine on a cloudy day.
This tragedy is a grim reminder of the broken world that we live in. A world that so desperately needs God's healing Love. A world that we, as disciples of Christ, should be reaching out to every opportunity we get. We don't know what will happen a minute from now, so we must seize the day and spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ to everyone. If we don't, then someone could miss out on an eternity of paradise, an eternity with God, with no pain.
My wish is that from the tragedy that befell the Perham area on Monday, we will all remember that life is a short, precious thing and we should take every moment that we get to radiate God's perfect, never-failing Love.
http://www.valleynewslive.com/Global/story.asp?S=14319088
yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ~ James 4:14
Could all of you reading please pray for the families and friends of Dylan and Tabby. Pray that they will find comfort in God and in each other and pray that God will make something good come out of this. And please pray that Dylan's and Tabby's daughter Emma will grow up into a beautiful woman of God, radiating His love to all despite the life that she now faces without parents.
Thank you and God bless you all!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Scenic Route
I've been impatient lately. Restless. I want to do His work. Now.
And I know that I do His work everyday by showing love to others, by keeping my eyes open for opportunities to spread the message of the Gospel, by getting to know my friends better, by doing ANYTHING out of love. True love. Agape.
I feel that the restlessness that I've been feeling is a call to action. What sort of action that is is something that I don't know yet.
I want answers from God. Now.
I want to know where He's calling me to do missions work in the future, even though I won't be doing anything until at least January, and most likely not until I graduate.
I want to know if I'm called to be married with anyone or if I'm called to a single life. And if I am called to married life, who am I supposed to be with?
I want to know if I'm going to be an addictions counselor like I've been planning on for the last year and a half or if I'm going to be a career missionary.
Why do I need answers right now? Why can't I just enjoy what I know and have?
Abraham and Sarah waited for TEN YEARS before they received Isaac. They needed the kind of patience that only the Holy Spirit can provide.
I need that same patience because it could be a long time before I receive answers.
I was listening to music on Youtube and the Jars of Clay song "Oh My God" was a recommend video. While listening to it, I was reminded of their song "Scenic Route" and of the bike ride that God took me on last summer.
I felt restless one night. I didn't want to stay at my parents' place while they were drunk. I got the urge to go for a bike ride, so I did. Anything to get out of the house.
I got on the bike, started pedaling, and I felt something in my heart. The Holy Spirit was directing my path that night. Every crossroads that I got to, I checked which way the Spirit led me. I urge you all to do this in your own lives. PLEASE LET THE HOLY SPIRIT DIRECT YOU AT EVERY CROSSROADS YOU COME ACROSS.
I rode around Perham on my mom's bike for over an hour. It might have even been longer than 2 hours. I wasn't keeping track of time. I do remember getting impatient though. I knew that I was being led somewhere, I just didn't know where. I wanted to know!
Eventually, I got to my destination. I knew I was in the right place because the presence of God was so strong that i nearly cried.
I was at St. Paul's church. I rode around the tiny town of Perham for I don't know how long, taking some streets 3 or more times, passing every church in town except for 2 (it was at least 5 churches that I did pass), going by St. Paul's once or twice already, all to end up at this church that I was called to attend.
Why did God send me on this long path to get to a church that is literally only 3 blocks away from my parents' apartment? I believe that it was to give me a lesson in trusting in Him and to teach me patience. He wanted me to start walking by the Spirit more.
Why was I sent to St. Paul's anyway? I don't know why it was that church in particular. I do know that that was where He sent me and that He wanted me to spend a lot of time with Him along the way, so that's what I did and what I'm continuing to do.
And I know that I do His work everyday by showing love to others, by keeping my eyes open for opportunities to spread the message of the Gospel, by getting to know my friends better, by doing ANYTHING out of love. True love. Agape.
I feel that the restlessness that I've been feeling is a call to action. What sort of action that is is something that I don't know yet.
I want answers from God. Now.
I want to know where He's calling me to do missions work in the future, even though I won't be doing anything until at least January, and most likely not until I graduate.
I want to know if I'm called to be married with anyone or if I'm called to a single life. And if I am called to married life, who am I supposed to be with?
I want to know if I'm going to be an addictions counselor like I've been planning on for the last year and a half or if I'm going to be a career missionary.
Why do I need answers right now? Why can't I just enjoy what I know and have?
Abraham and Sarah waited for TEN YEARS before they received Isaac. They needed the kind of patience that only the Holy Spirit can provide.
I need that same patience because it could be a long time before I receive answers.
I was listening to music on Youtube and the Jars of Clay song "Oh My God" was a recommend video. While listening to it, I was reminded of their song "Scenic Route" and of the bike ride that God took me on last summer.
I felt restless one night. I didn't want to stay at my parents' place while they were drunk. I got the urge to go for a bike ride, so I did. Anything to get out of the house.
I got on the bike, started pedaling, and I felt something in my heart. The Holy Spirit was directing my path that night. Every crossroads that I got to, I checked which way the Spirit led me. I urge you all to do this in your own lives. PLEASE LET THE HOLY SPIRIT DIRECT YOU AT EVERY CROSSROADS YOU COME ACROSS.
I rode around Perham on my mom's bike for over an hour. It might have even been longer than 2 hours. I wasn't keeping track of time. I do remember getting impatient though. I knew that I was being led somewhere, I just didn't know where. I wanted to know!
Eventually, I got to my destination. I knew I was in the right place because the presence of God was so strong that i nearly cried.
I was at St. Paul's church. I rode around the tiny town of Perham for I don't know how long, taking some streets 3 or more times, passing every church in town except for 2 (it was at least 5 churches that I did pass), going by St. Paul's once or twice already, all to end up at this church that I was called to attend.
Why did God send me on this long path to get to a church that is literally only 3 blocks away from my parents' apartment? I believe that it was to give me a lesson in trusting in Him and to teach me patience. He wanted me to start walking by the Spirit more.
Why was I sent to St. Paul's anyway? I don't know why it was that church in particular. I do know that that was where He sent me and that He wanted me to spend a lot of time with Him along the way, so that's what I did and what I'm continuing to do.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
American Media
Today was my mom's birthday, so I drove from Moorhead to Perham to surprise her. On the way back, I saw the same billboard that I always see outside of Detroit Lakes. And it always makes me feel the same way.
The billboard I saw was for Zorbaz, a pizza and Mexican food restaurant/bar. One side of the billboard has a man dressed up like a hippie and the words "nicely baked" in huge letters. This implies a pot reference. The other side has a tap beer and the words "one is the loneliest number you'll ever do". You need to have more than one beer. One beer isn't enough. You MUST binge drink.
Both of these signs fill me with disgust and sorrow. Growing up in a household with alcoholics and pot-heads, I know how torturous these common drugs can be. Why does culture have to glorify them?
Why do we have a culture that glorifies sin and not God's love? The high that Jesus gives us is so much greater than anything alcohol or pot can produce.
When I drank, alcohol would just draw me towards more sin. I would become filled with lustful thoughts. I'd want to eat even though I wasn't very hungry. I would become sad, either because the alcohol itself made me depressed or just amplified my preexistent depression. Either way, that should have been enough of a reason to stop, but it wasn't. Even after I woke up from a night of throwing up, falling over, and realizing that I'd done some pretty shameful things, I'd decide to drink again some other time.
The one time that I smoked weed, I was filled with similar thoughts, only happier. I was past my depression bu this point, but I still made terrible decisions.
Why does media feel the need to portray these destructive drugs in such a positive light. As social objects. As adventure starters. As tools for fun.
Why aren't they just show for what they are? Physical poison. Mental poison. Spiritual poison. Why do these substances get attention as the source of fun when they are the source of pain? Why do they get more exposure in our media than the only true source of love, Jesus?
Why do we continue to intentionally expose ourselves to this filth every single day? Why do we watch TV and movies about the adventures of druggies? Why do we listen to songs about drinking all day? Why do we read magazine articles about night clubs and the best-tasting mixed drinks? If we want to end the prevalence that these drugs have in our media, shouldn't we boycott the media that emphasizes them?
Shouldn't we replace these toxins with more positive media or no media at all? Imagine how much closer we could be to God if we spent our time absorbed in the media absorbing ourselves with Him.
The billboard I saw was for Zorbaz, a pizza and Mexican food restaurant/bar. One side of the billboard has a man dressed up like a hippie and the words "nicely baked" in huge letters. This implies a pot reference. The other side has a tap beer and the words "one is the loneliest number you'll ever do". You need to have more than one beer. One beer isn't enough. You MUST binge drink.
Both of these signs fill me with disgust and sorrow. Growing up in a household with alcoholics and pot-heads, I know how torturous these common drugs can be. Why does culture have to glorify them?
Why do we have a culture that glorifies sin and not God's love? The high that Jesus gives us is so much greater than anything alcohol or pot can produce.
When I drank, alcohol would just draw me towards more sin. I would become filled with lustful thoughts. I'd want to eat even though I wasn't very hungry. I would become sad, either because the alcohol itself made me depressed or just amplified my preexistent depression. Either way, that should have been enough of a reason to stop, but it wasn't. Even after I woke up from a night of throwing up, falling over, and realizing that I'd done some pretty shameful things, I'd decide to drink again some other time.
The one time that I smoked weed, I was filled with similar thoughts, only happier. I was past my depression bu this point, but I still made terrible decisions.
Why does media feel the need to portray these destructive drugs in such a positive light. As social objects. As adventure starters. As tools for fun.
Why aren't they just show for what they are? Physical poison. Mental poison. Spiritual poison. Why do these substances get attention as the source of fun when they are the source of pain? Why do they get more exposure in our media than the only true source of love, Jesus?
Why do we continue to intentionally expose ourselves to this filth every single day? Why do we watch TV and movies about the adventures of druggies? Why do we listen to songs about drinking all day? Why do we read magazine articles about night clubs and the best-tasting mixed drinks? If we want to end the prevalence that these drugs have in our media, shouldn't we boycott the media that emphasizes them?
Shouldn't we replace these toxins with more positive media or no media at all? Imagine how much closer we could be to God if we spent our time absorbed in the media absorbing ourselves with Him.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The Past Me
Last night, I was deleting old messages on Facebook. Messages dating as far back as before college. That's over a year and a half.
Seeing some of the messages brought back some old memories. Some of them very painful. Not painful because of what had been done to me, but painful because of what I had done to others.
I was reminded of the selfish way I used to act in relationships, only after what I wanted. I used women who had feelings for me. I wouldn't have feelings for them, but I'd lead them on so that I could have a relationship or so that I'd have someone to hold. I didn't care about what I did to them. I didn't care about toying with their emotions or leaving them heartbroken.
Not until they were already emotionally attached anyway. I would realize that I shouldn't be doing this. That it's not fair to them. After I'd led them on, then I'd realize my mistake and say that things should end. Then they would be heartbroken.
Wouldn't you be heartbroken if the person you gave yourself to emotionally and physically told you that they didn't want you?
It hurt me to remember these things, but I'm really thankful for it. It reminded me of how badly I need God and the forgiveness that Jesus's sacrifice brings. I did terrible things to people, even after I became a Christian.
I'm not perfect, but I'm realizing my mistakes and I'm progressing with the help of God.
Seeing some of the messages brought back some old memories. Some of them very painful. Not painful because of what had been done to me, but painful because of what I had done to others.
I was reminded of the selfish way I used to act in relationships, only after what I wanted. I used women who had feelings for me. I wouldn't have feelings for them, but I'd lead them on so that I could have a relationship or so that I'd have someone to hold. I didn't care about what I did to them. I didn't care about toying with their emotions or leaving them heartbroken.
Not until they were already emotionally attached anyway. I would realize that I shouldn't be doing this. That it's not fair to them. After I'd led them on, then I'd realize my mistake and say that things should end. Then they would be heartbroken.
Wouldn't you be heartbroken if the person you gave yourself to emotionally and physically told you that they didn't want you?
It hurt me to remember these things, but I'm really thankful for it. It reminded me of how badly I need God and the forgiveness that Jesus's sacrifice brings. I did terrible things to people, even after I became a Christian.
I'm not perfect, but I'm realizing my mistakes and I'm progressing with the help of God.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Irony
So, I'm writing this post at 2 am. Ironically to tell you that I realized today that I should go to bed earlier. I find myself plagued with negative thoughts and actions in the small hours of the morning.
Loneliness when nobody is around
Anger towards people for not being gone when they are around
Gluttony for food when I'm not even hungry or could wait until morning
Jealousy for what others have, usually towards my friends in relationships
Fear that I'll never be able to change or that my family will never commit themselves to Christ and will be doomed to a fate beyond imagination
Why can't I control myself? Why do I find myself not instantly turning to God about all of these things?
Prayers would be greatly appreciated.
Loneliness when nobody is around
Anger towards people for not being gone when they are around
Gluttony for food when I'm not even hungry or could wait until morning
Jealousy for what others have, usually towards my friends in relationships
Fear that I'll never be able to change or that my family will never commit themselves to Christ and will be doomed to a fate beyond imagination
Why can't I control myself? Why do I find myself not instantly turning to God about all of these things?
Prayers would be greatly appreciated.
If We are the Body
I was thinking today about the number of Christians in the world. There are over 2 BILLION people on this planet who will use the label of "Christian" as a descriptive word for themselves. 1/3 of the world's population. My question is why this number is only at 2 billion. Why isn't the number of Christians increasing in greater and greater quantities each day? We have 2 billion people who should be out there making disciples of all nations.
With this high of numbers, the Gospel could have been preached to all nations by now. There should be more believers. There should be fewer areas where Christians, or anybody for that matter, are persecuted and killed for their religious beliefs.
We should all have lost friends that need God's help. We should all be helping people realize that there is more to life than sin by preaching this and, more importantly, practicing what we preach. I don't even know how many times I've heard words like "mean" and "hypocrite" used to describe the Church as a whole. I know I'm guilty of being a hypocrite. I've been the pot calling the kettle black.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)
We should all be leading others to Christ through our actions, not through our convicting words. Conviction is not our job. That job belongs to the Holy Spirit.
This is a reminder to all who read my blog, even if I'm the only person who ever sees this post.
Preach the Gospel through your actions, not just your deeds!! Actions speak louder than words. We need action, not empty words!! Show love, compassion. Pray that the Holy Spirit will give you these things. Pray for humility.
Most importantly, pray for change. In both yourself and in the world.
With this high of numbers, the Gospel could have been preached to all nations by now. There should be more believers. There should be fewer areas where Christians, or anybody for that matter, are persecuted and killed for their religious beliefs.
We should all have lost friends that need God's help. We should all be helping people realize that there is more to life than sin by preaching this and, more importantly, practicing what we preach. I don't even know how many times I've heard words like "mean" and "hypocrite" used to describe the Church as a whole. I know I'm guilty of being a hypocrite. I've been the pot calling the kettle black.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3)
We should all be leading others to Christ through our actions, not through our convicting words. Conviction is not our job. That job belongs to the Holy Spirit.
This is a reminder to all who read my blog, even if I'm the only person who ever sees this post.
Preach the Gospel through your actions, not just your deeds!! Actions speak louder than words. We need action, not empty words!! Show love, compassion. Pray that the Holy Spirit will give you these things. Pray for humility.
Most importantly, pray for change. In both yourself and in the world.
“Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.”
~ St. Francis of Assisi
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